Alternative Canon Romances
by vacant houses
Summary: Crack. Tired of stereotypical romance fics, one fanfiction author returns to the source material to devise never seen before pairings. Warning: any canon character will be considered fair game. Chapter 5: It was a pregnancy that, by all reasoning and science, really shouldn't have happened. EVER. (Again). In which Raphael receives an invitation and Donatello is terrified.
1. That which never should have happened

TMNT= Not mine.

The first part might be familiar to you if you've read the bonus chapter in Petshop Turtles. It isn't a canon/canon romance but I had to toss it in here since it was the origin of my tendency to whip up ridiculous pairings. The rest of the fic however will feature pairings probably have never been put together before and it should have probably stayed that way. I'm just so tired of seeing either terrible Mary Sue OC romances or badly written TC smut fics so I've decided to explore some canon alternatives. All of this is crack and in no way meant to be taken seriously.

* * *

><p>"Hello Raphael."<p>

Raph awoke to the sight of Bishop smug face peering down on him. "What are you up to this time?" he groaned tiredly as he discovered that each of his limbs had been strapped down.

Bishop paused in his gloating. "This time?"

The turtle sighed and rolled his eyes. "This is the five hundredth time you've caught one of us for some ridiculous purpose, like random inexplicable torture, brainwashing, drug testing or freaky attempts to impregnate us for reasons I don't even want to consider. Which one is it?"

The agent considered the question, "Drug testing," he muttered unenthusiastically, his bubble burst.

Raph stiffened in self-righteous fury. "But why?"

"What?"

"Why do you need to test your drugs on US? You have enough money to build an army of clones! Surely you could clone yourself a few test subjects instead of using a mutant turtle which has a completely different biology to a HUMAN. It doesn't make SENSE! Unless you're planning to develop a substance that works on only four individuals in the entire UNIVERSE which would be a complete and utter waste of time and resources!"

Bishop scowled and readied a needle, full of a glowing red liquid. "Shut up!" he said, as he pumped the unknown substance into the turtle's bloodstream. "This is for SCIENCE!"

"And you're doing it all wrong!" Raph snapped. "You're supposed to try and frighten me with your crazy explanations of what exactly the drug will do BEFORE you inject me with it!"

"Well, you threw off my mojo with your calm acceptance of the situation! Besides, it's drug testing! We don't know what it does; hence we're using you to find out!"

"So, you're telling me it could do anything from turning me into a kangaroo to making me breath fire?"

"Yes!"

The turtle settled sullenly against the medical bed. "I can't wait for this to be over."

"The feeling is mutual turtle!" Bishop sulked, watching a computer display of Raphael's vitals.

About ten minutes later, the machine started beeping fearfully. As Bishop tried to make sense of the feed out, Raphael's body experienced an extraordinary change, one very similar to what Bruce Banner underwent every time he transformed into the Hulk.

"Hrrrrrghhh!" with a bellow, Raphael broke free of his restraints and went on a wrecking rampage throughout the lab.

Bishop retreated to the lab's security and watched the turtle decimate the small army that patrolled the lab. It was all rather depressing until Raphael burst into a room and proceeded to ear rape a panda.

"Huh," he said, "Someone make a note of that. We don't want any pandas in the area when we deploy troops that are under the influence of D232J."

"Sir," Doctor Stockman said, watching the screen with a detached sense of astonishment, "I didn't even know we had pandas in this base. Isn't that your room? Why do you have a panda locked in there anyway?"

Bishop calmly reached over and blasted Stockman with a concealed rocket launcher. "Anyone else got any questions about that panda?"

His minions shook their heads. "Good, hopefully the rest of the turtles will show up soon and fix up my mess. I'm going on a vacation, so have fun."

* * *

><p>…..Unfortunately the turtles were unable to get Raph under control until after he raped a volcano. The poor volcano.<p>

It collapsed into a caldera in shock.

* * *

><p>Ah…Disneyland.<p>

The crowds, the screaming children, the overwhelming odour of cotton candy and the stench of thousands of bodies forced into a limited amount of space. Perfect. Agent Bishop smiled as he ushered Panda out from the very inconspicuous stretch limo and quickly cut straight through the long queue to the entrance. Being a government agent had its perks after all, and they included not having to wait in line like everybody else.

There was a reason why Agent Bishop hunted down aliens and it wasn't because they'd fucked him up back during the Civil War.

But this was perfect, Panda had been incredibly traumatized after being raped by the rampaging Raphael Hulk and this was the first in a long line of prime holiday locations Bishop had booked out for the next six months as he tried to help his partner get over the incident.

"Mummy, why is Po wearing a spiked collar?" a small boy tugged anxiously on his mother's arm as he gazed wide-eyed at Bishop and his companion as they stood in the queue for the Ferris wheel.

The boy's mother looked up and frowned, her mouth worked for a few moments at the sight of the bondage collar then she sighed and shrugged. TV show characters always had the strangest get-up.

"Kung Fu Panda 2," Agent Bishop said, knowingly. "Po gets one in the next movie."

That fulfilled his corrupting-the-next-generation quota for the day. No one else batted an eyelid at the sight of a panda in bondage gear. Time pleasantly drifted by as they visited various rides and attractions. It was going well, far too well in fact.

Murphy's Law decided to swiftly assert itself.

A small child of indiscriminate nature collided spectacularly with Bishop's legs. Despite his vast amount of training and cybernetically enhanced reflexes, the agent's lemon sorbet splattered onto his expensive, handmade dinosaur skin shoes. The ones he'd cloned himself an actual tyrannosaurus rex and then subsequently hunted down and killed unarmed.

Agent Bishop was very good at killing things after all. He needed to keep his skills sharp.

Understandably, Agent Bishop was rather distracted and upset over the untimely demise of his sorbet and its rude decision to commit suicide over his shoes. Not everyone had dinosaur-skin shoes you know. If it had to make a mess, why couldn't it have missed his shoes and splattered harmlessly to the ground?

He snarled angrily at the small child. Ignoring the mother who was threatening to sue him (note to self: Two subjects for experiment #321 have been found; be sure to give them electroshock therapy beforehand), he looked up to realise his companion had vanished into the crowd.

A flash of brown caught his eye, a figure in a trench coat that bore an uncanny resemblance to the ones the turtles wore when they thought themselves to be particularly stealthy and needed to mingle up close with humans (admittedly the disguise seemed to work, which is why he was going to replace the human race at some point with genetically modified pod people who had their eyes checked at the very least) ducked into a Ferris carriage.

Agent Bishop clicked his tongue in fury.

Raphael. His archnemesis and rival for Panda's affection.

With superhuman agility, Bishop launched himself onto the carriage. The crowds beneath him shrugged dismissively at this impossibility, this was Disneyland after all and things were bound to be strange.

The government agent growled in anger at the scene beneath him. The turtle was making out with HIS PANDA! Bishop smashed through the glass easily and levelled a glare of death at the terrapin.

"That's my panda!" he snarled, hating the slightly whiney and pre-pubescent edge to his voice. He was going to be mature and cool about this, the fact that the turtle had completely and utterly messed up his day was a minor thing and he was going to calmly smashed Raphael's face in for this offence, he wasn't going to get angry, he was-

WHY THE FUCK WAS RAPHAEL IGNORING HIS DRAMATIC POSTURING AND MAKING OUT WITH HIS PANDA?

Raphael cocked an eye-ridge confidently at him and flipped him the bird. "I think not," the turtle replied.

That tore it. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Fine! Bring it," Bishop easily settled into back into a defensive stance, he could take down all four terrapins at once, this was going to be a breeze.

Raphael watched him from a moment, then he cracked his knuckles menacingly and climbed to his feet. Except-the turtle was getting larger. And more muscular. Belatedly it occurred to Agent Bishop that his last serum had had lasting effects on its test subject.

To his credit, Bishop lasted twenty minutes. Disneyland was completely trashed in the epic battle, the childhood of millions of Americans ruined. The government agent could only watch helplessly as the Hulk, er Raphael dragged his panda away for whatever lustful purposes the turtle had in mind.

One day, Bishop swore to himself, one day he'd reclaim Panda from Raphael's grasp.

* * *

><p>The continuous twitching of his left eyebrow was the only testament to how deeply disturbed Master Splinter was. "Raphael," he said at last, "What are you planning to do with that panda in bondage gear?"<p>

* * *

><p>Mikey sighed as he watched his brothers and the acolytes skip off to merry-astral lala land. Meditation was sooo boring. Not to mention the instructions that Kon guy gave weren't exactly the easiest things to follow. He glared at the floating mystical ninja; of course you just need to clear your mind!<p>

But when one was the Mikester, clearing his mind required shutting off his inner-fanboy who was constantly plotting and replotting new storylines for X-men, Star Wars, Harry Potter and Batman all at the same time. It was damn near impossible. Correction. It was impossible. His brain was overflowing with ideas, mainly because he was in an ancient temple and being taught how the Force actually worked and he just couldn't stop them. It had been exciting the first night, staying awake for far too long, figuring them out but now he was completely exhausted and in no condition for meditating.

Everyone was so still. Surely they couldn't all be meditating. Okay, Leo and maybe the acolytes since he didn't know them very well could do it. But Raph and Don had the same basic ability level as him and he knew Raph was far more likely to be daydreaming over the Shellcycle and Don was probably planning the next upgrade to said vehicle than being all bad-ass mystical and floating about in astral land.

Mikey snuck a glance at Raph. There was a little bit of drool in the corner of his brother's mouth. Yeah. He wasn't meditating. Probably dreaming about the girls on Baywatch or something. And Don was all stiff and rigid, not giving off calm, empty mind vibes. Good job bros.

With the other acolytes he couldn't tell. Either they were meditating or they were way out of it like his brothers. But that was okay. Leo was doing things right and that's all that mattered.

Mikey carefully leaned close to his brother. Now, he wasn't the best person getting himself centered in his happy place. But what he was good at was highjacking –souljacking actually- the energy of someone else already in the astral plane and using it to give himself a boost up there. He'd developed this skill particularly because often in their attempts to teach him to access the astral plane, Master Splinter or Leo would walk him though the steps, then allow him to hitch onto them when they made the transition.

He'd become so good at it that when he did it (on Leo, because there was no way he was going to risk Master Splinter discovering his little short-cut for getting out of meditation), during group meditations when Mikey was supposed to be doing it on his own, his brother never actually noticed that he'd pick up an extra passenger. Mikey would then skip off, leaving Leo none the wiser. It was a brilliant system.

Leo's energy flowed gently around him. With practiced ease, Mikey latched onto to his brother conscious and pulled himself up into the astral plane. Then stopped. And gaped. Dumbly.

His brain broke.

He screamed.

* * *

><p>Mikey's sanity was never restored after stumbling upon Leo and Kon engaging in astral sex.<p> 


	2. Drunk

TMNT= Not mine. My apologies if you read the chapter when I initially posted. Crack damages the mind, plus I just finished my exams so my mind was in no condition to pick up that there was a doubling of the chapter.

* * *

><p>In accordance to the Hamato Law, i.e no morning can ever be normal; Don had stumbled upon a mystery five minutes after waking up. The half-awake turtle blinked blearily around the kitchen as his brain tried to sort itself out.<p>

He glanced at Leo; his brother had the slightly vacant look that meant Leo was astral French-kissing his long distance boyfriend. Gross. On their own accord, Don's eyes drifted slightly to the right and immediately returned to Leo. As disturbing as the knowledge that an ancient ninja master was making out with his brother, it was nothing compared to the get-up that Raph's panda had on today.

"Excuse me," Don said politely as he glanced back down to the table, making sure he was seeing this right, "But how drunk was I last night?"

"You weren't," Raph muttered. He was eying his panda up in ways that told Don that under no circumstance should he go near his brother's room anytime in the near future.

Leo didn't stir at their voices. But that wasn't surprising. He had moved onto to his having-astral-sex-now-please-don't-disturb face.

"Are you sure?" Don persisted.

Raph gave a wicked grin, "Trust me, if there is booze in the lair, I would have sniffed it out. Bishop's miracle drug had a lot of side effects."

"Including a panda fixation," Don muttered under his breath. "Well, I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamed I had sex with myself. And it wasn't just one of me. There were six of us."

"Wasn't a dream, Don," Raph said, nodding behind him. "I take it just one of you isn't enough for you, Don."

Don glanced round, there were indeed five other mutant turtles that looked exactly like him scattered around the living room, all asleep. "Oh," he mumbled, "I thought I was just hallucinating them when I woke up. There are some _strangethingsinmylab_. And I might be a total narcissist. Anyway! The reason I was asking was because of this."

He raised the newspaper up and pointed to the front page article. Raph's eyes widened as he read the story. "You've got to be joking," Raph said, reaching over to grab the paper.

"He didn't even tell us," Don noted with disappointment, "Can you believe it? I would have loved to be his maid of honour. I mean, look at these colours. Orange, green and silver. What a horrible combination."

"Leo!" Raph bellowed, reaching over to smack his brother with the newspaper, "Hang up the phone with your boyfriend and wake up!"

"What?" Leo mumbled reluctantly, cracking open one irritated eye at his brothers.

"Mikey eloped," Raph informed him, holding up the newspaper to show him the main article, "Today's top new story was the marriage between the Turtle Titan and the Silver Sentry."

* * *

><p>"This can't be happening," Leo muttered, furiously dialling his brother's number on their Shell Cell.<p>

"It's all over the news," one of Don's doppelgangers noted, having just switched on the television.

Leo blinked slowly at the turtle. "There are…a lot of Dons here," he observed uncertainly, glancing about the lair. "When did that happen? How did it happen? Why did it happen?"

"Well you see, according to the Theory of Shipping, a character who's been paired with as many other characters as myself must be so sexually appealing that even I must have sex with myself," Don explained drowsily, "And just one of me wasn't enough. You know what? I'm going back to bed. Come with me, Don-doubles. We shall make a Don-sandwich."

As the six Dons left the room, someone answered Michelangelo's phone. "Mikey?" Leo asked quickly, he needed to bleach his mind of the images of a Don-sandwich.

"_Hello?_" the voice was far deeper and manlier than his brother. Leo blinked as he realised that the Silver Sentry was on the line.

"Silver Sentry?" he asked cautiously, hating the fact that his overactive imagination was supplying him with all sorts of reasons as to why the superhero was answering his brother's phone, "Um…where's Michelangelo?"

"You don't need to worry about your brother," the Silver Sentry replied, "I understand that Michelangelo did not inform you of our engagement, he said that he wanted it to be a surprise. But I promise that my intentions towards him are completely honourable and I shall take good care of him for the rest of our married life-"

"Is that Leo?" Mikey's voice suddenly broke in. "Dude, pass the phone over, let me talk to him."

"As you wish, Shnookums."

"Ooh you're such a charmer, Cuddlepie. Hello?"

In a swift movement, Leo shot to his feet and threw his Shell Cell hard at the wall, killing the unfortunate piece of equipment. He marched into the kitchen and glared down at Raph and his panda.

"We need alcohol. Now."


	3. In which everything is normal

TMNT= Not Mine

PlainSimpleGarak brought up this idea. For DeeMG who wanted someone to write a crackfic about this. She knows I can never resist a prompt like this.

I regret nothing for writing this. You might for reading this.

* * *

><p>There was something incredibly wrong with the situation.<p>

"Wait, what?" Casey said blankly. "That can't be right."

Vaguely he was aware of a rising horror; that any moment now comprehension was going to kick right in and he was going to freak. April however didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong, she smiled pleasantly and placed a comforting hand on Casey's wrist.

The doctor beamed at him and straightened the papers in front of him. "All the tests have come in and that's what it is."

"But," Casey protested weakly, "That _can't be right_."

April's smile became dangerously sharp and something that felt like fear slid down the vigilante's spine. "Casey," she said sweetly, "This is wonderful, absolutely wonderful news."

"Yes," the man replied automatically, then he glanced back at the papers of DOOM and said, "But I don't understand-"

"The tests," the doctor said, "Were pretty clear. And we've checked them and double checked them and triple checked them again. Congratulations, Mr Jones."

x x x

Casey was pretty sure this was all Donatello's fault somehow.

"YOU," he roared at the green bastard, pointing an accusing finger at the turtle. He was almost incomprehensible in his anger. "DID. SOMETHING. TO. GAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! "

The vigilante's fists tightened and Casey paced furiously but Donatello remained calm in the face of the volcano in front of him. It helped that April had the foresight to warn/spread the good news to the turtle family thus ensuring that all three of Donatello's brothers formed a protective barrier between him and Casey when the vigilante had stormed into their underground home. Master Splinter stood silently at the door, ready to take Casey down should the human's fury boil into physical action.

Donatello cast a calm, sympathetic gaze at the man. "Casey," he said, raising his hands defensively, "I haven't seen you for two weeks. You've been banned from my lab for six months now. I have had no hand in any meals we have shared for the past three months. I have not treated you for any injuries in the past three weeks. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, I had nothing to do with it."

Casey gave an inarticulate snarl of rage and threw himself at the turtle. The result was an epic dog-pile as Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo dragged him to the ground with a cacophony of cries. Leonardo yelled at everyone to calm down. Raphael cursed at everything from Casey's ancestry to his parent's marital status at his birth. Michelangelo let out several joyous war cries and then a rendition of some annoying pop song.

Casey cursed at them all for their interference then promised to tear Dontello apart should he get his hands on the turtle. Or something. It wasn't exactly clear what Casey was saying, it was entirely possible he speaking Neanderthal instead anything resembling a human language.

"Enough," Master Splinter said sharply and they all froze and fell silent.

A flicker of hope began to stir in Casey Jones as the old rat slowly approached. Master Splinter was wise, immune to the ridiculous charade that April and the turtles were playing at and he would fix this somehow, maybe with a special brew of tea and then everything would start making sense again and all would be right in the world.

"My sons," the ninjitsu master intoned, "Just what are you thinking, dog-piling Casey in _his_ condition?"

No, no, no, no! Master Splinter surely couldn't believe that _it _was true, and he was not going to be treated like, like he was delicate-

The weights on his back lifted and the turtles vanished from his side in a blink of an eye. "Don't," Casey Jones spat as they stared at him in something that looked a lot like shame, "You. Dare. Think. That. I. Can't. ROUGH. HOUSE."

He launched himself at Raphael, surely good ol' Raph wouldn't let him down and would throw a punch or two, the turtle could never resist a chance for some free-for-all-

Owwwww. Apparently, Raphael would let him down. Before his paralysed body could topple to the ground after the green bastard pinched a nerve, the turtle easily swept the human up into his arms. To those observing it appeared Casey had swooned and thus would have looked romantic had the two individuals involved in the manoeuvre not been the two individuals involved in the manoeuvre.

"I think you need to lie down and rest," he was politely informed. "Don't want to get too excited in the state you're in."

"It's just the hormones getting to him," someone else muttered.

Arnold Casey Jones began to plot the untimely demise of his so called friends and family.

x x x

April was incredibly creepy, in a really, really smug of what she had accomplished and proud of him sort of way. She was insistent that he stayed at home and was waiting on him hand and foot. He couldn't do _anything _except lie on the couch and watch television.

Michelangelo, television junkie he was not. After two days of this, he gathered his vigilante gear, escaped from the house and headed into Purple Dragon territory. He quickly stumbled onto a fight between the turtles and a few gang members.

Without hesitation, Casey Jones launched himself into the fight with his traditional battle cry. To his utter confusion, the turtles and the Dragons stopped and turned around to look at him. The gang member managed to deflect the blow and grab hold of his stick and then said, "You can't be here!"

"Oh yeah!" Casey snarled. He ignored the weirdness that everyone had stopped brawling and tried to pull his stick away. "Well, I AM here now so get ready for a beating!"

"No, seriously," the Dragon said, "You can't be doing this! Not like this. Are you insane? What were you thinking?"

It felt like he was in the beginnings of a Leo lecture except it was being delivered by a Purple Dragon. The situation was incredibly surreal. He slid his gaze over the other combatants who were watching them with an air of disapproval. What the hell was going on?

"Steven is right," Leonardo piped up. "You've got to stop this Casey. You can't live your life like this anymore."

Shooting the turtle a betrayed look, he heaved the stick out of Steven's grasp. "Since when did you agree with Purple Dragon scum?" he hissed furiously.

"You need to go home," Steven said firmly, "We'll walk you there and everything. It's not safe on these streets and you're…fragile."

Arnold Casey Jones saw red. He lunged and was soundly brought down by a nerve pinch from his best friend. "I can't believe he is so irresponsible," Steven raged from somewhere to his right, "It's a good thing he ran into us."

"Yeah, who knows what could have happened to this lughead," Raphael agreed, "Give a turtle a hand, Steve?"

"Of course," the gang member said agreeably.

The walk home was spent listening to the companionable chatter between the turtles and the Purple Dragons and was one of the most bizarre experiences in Casey's life. And he said that honestly after dealing with alien invasions, the Foot and mutant ninja turtles.

x x x

"April," Casey Jones said, seven months later. He'd spent that time in a sort of detached fugue and semi-imprisonment in April's home. Finally his brain had decided that enough time had passed and he was clearly not having a very bad dream, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself so. Everyone he knew accepted this as normal (even the people who come from the real world without mutant animals and ninjas and aliens) and he'd finally come to accept that only he thought what was happening was out of this world.

"Yes?"

But still, he had to give one last try.

"Does anything about this situation strike you as strange?" Casey asked slowly.

"No."

"You don't find it a little bit weird?" Casey persisted, "Not even the slightest?"

April O'Neil, associate of a family of mutants aside, an otherwise totally ordinary person, looked at her heavily pregnant partner.

"No, Arnold Casey Jones," she said frankly, "Nothing about this is strange. Everything is perfectly normal."


	4. Really long distance relationships

TMNT= Not Mine

Written cause I'm contrary like that. Also, because shipping can get ridiculous and I must therefore present something highly improbable.

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><p>It was not a match made in heaven.<p>

In fact, it was a match that, by the multiverse, really shouldn't have happened at all. But apparently dimensional portal sticks were very useful for facilitating long-distance relationships and cross-species romance. That was a use its original creators had not intended when the device had originally been constructed. Indeed, it was the means by which the multiverse had been saved and that should have been the end of it. Such a tool was far too powerful to leave lying around.

And yet, lying around the lair of one mutant family, the portal stick was often left to do so. Evidently this was a family far too accustomed to the wonders of multi-dimensional travel and teleportation. When you've seen one portal to another dimension, you've seen them all, one must suppose.

And thus, because of the laxness this item was regarded, certain individuals were able to carry out a scandalous affair in secret. It lasted for several years before it was discovered. The mutant family is suitably horrified and a large amount of brain bleach was promptly applied to supress the memories.

This is how that day started.

"I'm telling you, something weird has been going on," Donatello said, holding the dimensional portal stick. "These last couple of nights, I keep seeing a bright flash and I've finally figured out that it was the stick. It's still warm, even. Someone has been using this."

His brothers eyed each other suspiciously. "Maybe Leo's been sneaking off to see his boyfriend, Usagi," Raphael offered.

"Don't be ridiculous," Leonardo spluttered incredulously. "Firstly, Usagi and I are really good friends but nothing more. Secondly, I happen to know the chants to his world. Thirdly, we're just _good friends_."

"So, you _have_ been sneaking off to Second Earth to see Usagi," Mikey said brightly.

"Friends, Mikey. Nothing more, nothing less."

"You keep telling yourself that," Mikey said sympathetically.

"Michelangelo…" Leo began warningly.

"What?" his brother said, "The guy gives you the mystics chants to his world and you think that there's nothing going between you? That's the equivalent to giving you the extra front door key. Besides. He's a rabbit-person. Rabbits are sex-machines. He must be fantastic in the sack. We don't blame you, bro."

The remaining three turtles cast a look of mild horror at their brother. "You are a dumbass," Raphael informed Michelangelo. "And we are going to ignore you for the rest of this conversation."

Leonardo groaned and rubbed his face in exasperation. "No, Mikey, I have no idea what Usagi is like in the sack and I really wish you never brought that because I am going to have _nightmares_."

"Guys," Don said firmly, "Back to the portal stick. Who has been using it?"

"Maybe Raph's been seeing that acolyte, what's her face, Joy?" Leonardo muttered, glaring at his brother.

"Joy Reno," the red turtle corrected absently. "And no, I haven't."

"But dude, you were getting all close to her during our training. Inviting her back to the lair and everything," Mikey said in disbelief. Part of Raphael's image for him had just been forever shattered.

"Admittedly, he wasn't all the upset when we thought all the acolytes had died," Donatello pointed out wryly. "You guys realise she is in _our_ dimension and he wouldn't actually need the stick to go see her.

Raph gave a dismissive snort. "Haven't seen her since that last time you guys saw her," he assured them with a shrug.

"Couldn't we just use the stick to find out where whoever it has been going?" Leo said suddenly. He was determined to get to the bottom of this mystery and find out which sibling had been skipping out on curfew. "Then we can work out backwards from there."

Donatello eyed his creation dubiously. Admittedly, he did not have a lot of faith in the portal stick since it defied everything he knew about physics just by existing. He was still waiting for it to fall apart on him but suspected the device remained functional out of spite for him.

With a reluctant sigh, he turned it on. "Alright guys," he said, "Here we go."

* * *

><p>The new dimension was…more three dimensional. Clear cut and defined.<p>

It was weird and the turtles instinctively rebelled against it.

It wasn't Turtle Prime or the world their insane counterparts had come from. This was something new, some part of the multiverse they hadn't explored yet.

"Okay," Donatello said, "This is weird."

They were in the lair, that much was obvious, though it was a lair they'd never seen before. Yet, as they caught sight of their new counterparts, gaping at them from the sofa, it occurred to them that this was going to be awkward and really, really confusing. The new turtles looked a lot younger than the dimension hoppers.

Michelangelo held up his hands. "Um, we come in peace?"

A very tall Master Splinter carefully placed himself between the two group of mutants. "That is reassuring to hear," he said cautiously, "But please excuse us if we do not take your word for it. This is our home you have invaded."

"Master Splinter! Would you believe that we're your sons from another dimension?" Michelangelo asked brightly before any of his brothers could shut him up.

"Mikey!" his brothers remanded immediately.

The other mutant family blinked. "Unreal," the other Michelangelo breathed. "Are you really me?"

"You bet I am," the dimensionally displaced turtle answered.

"Another dimension," the other Donatello scoffed, "Really? And just how did you get here?"

Don gave his counterpart a miserable and embarrassed look. "Using a portal stick made from a torch that I built with a Donatello from _another_ dimension."

"And it worked? Using a _torch_?"

"I've learnt not to question it," Donatello admitted, "But between you and me, it really shouldn't."

The other Leonardo frowned at them. "But why are you here?"

"Actually, we were hoping you guys could help us with that," Leonardo replied, "We were trying to solve a mystery back in our home dimension, someone had been using the portal stick repeatedly and we have no idea who it was. But seeing that you guys don't seem to even know about the multiverse and alternate dimensions…I'm not entirely sure what is going on here."

"Never seen you guys before in my life," the other Leo said honestly. He glanced at the rest of his family who nodded their agreement. Except- "Raph?" he frowned.

The other Raphael had been conspicuously quiet. His eyes swiveled between the two groups of mutants and he'd narrowed his eyes to angered slits. Spike sat on his shoulder, chewing a leaf lettuce.

"Daaw, Raph, you've got a pet turtle!" Michelangelo glanced at his brother excitedly. "That's pretty awesome!"

"This is all your fault!" the other Raphael exploded. He was on his feet in an instant, glaring at his counterpart. "That damn thing belongs to you doesn't it!"

"What?" Raph's brow wrinkled in confusion at the finger pointed at him.

"THAT." The finger slowly moved across the room to a small ball of orange.

"…Klunk?" Michelangelo asked in startled recognition. "What's Klunk doing here?"

"That damn cat," the other Raph growled, "Has been appearing in this lair for the past two years without any explanation. No matter what we did it. Just. Kept. Coming."

Michelangelo descended on his pet with unabashed delight, sweeping the cat up into his arms. "Klunk! So this is where Ms. Fluffykins gets to when she disappears from the lair."

His brothers sighed and facepalmed. "Well, I guess that answers that," Leo said, relieved that it was a fairly innocuous explanation to the mystery.

The Raphael native to this dimension however was not finished. "That cat," he snarled, "Has been molesting my Spike!"

Michelangelo almost dropped his pet in shock. "Dude, seriously?" he stared at his cat with wide eyes.

"That animal...deflowered my pet turtle!" other Raph howled with sheer offended outrage on Spike's behalf. "It's a stalker! It is an evil, inter-dimensional, crazy, pet humper!"

"I think," Leonardo said wisely, "It might be time for us to leave. Don, the portal stick?"

"Not so fast," the other Raphael darted across the room, picked up a box and then stuffed it into Mikey's arm. He jumped back in time just as the beam removed them from existence. "I hope we never see those guys ever again."

* * *

><p>"What did he give you?"<p>

Michelangelo gaped blankly at the box. Klunk had squirmed out of his arms and escaped into his room with a wounded air.

"It's a box full of little cat-turtle hybrids," he answered.

Don gave his brother a flat look. "Be serious."

"I am," the box was unceremoniously shoved into Don's face.

"But, this is impossible! Cats and turtles are two completely different species. They can't interbreed. It would be like one of us trying to have a child with a human," the brainy turtle protested.

"Tell that to Spike and Klunk, cuz quite frankly bro, I don't think they care."

* * *

><p>AN: Well, I've seen plenty of catgirl mutant things romance the turtles, so I figure I'll jump ship with a couple of canons going at it. What? That's not weird at all, right?

On another note, Klunk in the 2K3 series is a girl but Mirage!Klunk is a boy. I have no problem shipping either Klunk with Spike...whose gender I actually haven't been able to confirm. For all I know, Spike could be female. Which would make the dynamics in this fic infinitely more interesting.


	5. Pregnancy fail Science fail Whoops

TMNT is not mine.

For Dee. Inspired by the TMNT FF frontpage which is rather uninspiring and unoriginal to me atm. Therefore crack abounds instead.

* * *

><p>"PREGNANT?"<p>

Raphael levelled a disbelieving stare at Donatello. "That's impossible," he insisted uneasily.

Donatello shrugged uncomfortably. "He's a dinosaur from outer space," he reminded his brother. "We don't know anything about how they reproduce."

"Yeah but-" Raphael made a vague, frustrated gesture in the air, unable to convey the level of sheer WTFery Don's message had caused. "Even I know that's not how it works."

"That doesn't matter," Don replied tersely. "He's invited you to the -uh baby shower. Egg shower. The great hatching. The awakening. Onlining. The thing. The thing that he wants you to attend where he celebrates that he got knocked up."

"Really." Raphael did not sound touched by this gesture.

"Yep," Donatello didn't look nervous. At all. No. Really.

Raphael narrowed his eyes suspiciously at his brother. "Just me?"

"Just you," Don confirmed quickly. "I guess he really appreciates your friendship and wants to share this important part of his life with you. It would rude not to go. By yourself."

"Even though the other two parents are your close friends."

Donatello whimpered. "I'm trying to repress that knowledge. And their friendship."

"And their invitation too, huh. You are coming with me," Raphael decided, dragging his brother to the transmat platform.

"Nooooo!" Don howled in terror, fighting to escape his brother's grasp. "You can't make me! What if it's catching?"

"Pregnancy?" Raphael wondered with a frown. It seemed extremely unlikely.

"How else would you explain Leatherhead and Honeycutt knocking up Traximus?" his brother demanded. "He's laying little Triceraton-robot-mutant alligator hybrids eggs!"

Raphael considered this explanation a few moments. Then he let go of his brother's arm. "You know what, let's just pretend you never got that message."


End file.
